Sunday, January 27, 2019

Bullets for Healing?

I love firing guns. It's an amazing feeling – so sexy and powerful.
                                                          *Hayley Atwell (actress)


I surprise myself and opt for the private lesson at an indoor shooting range. I journey 40 miles outside of Asheville to Mountain Range.  S. is my teacher.  He is white haired with a Santa Claus beard, soft soothing voice and lovely smile.  He spends the first 15 minutes of my 30-minute lesson on gun safety before he guides me into the shooting range to begin the process of loading, aiming and firing at a target.

As S. prepares me for my first shot he instructs me to  “…breathe in, breathe out -- we need to get the Zen thing going.”  Of the 36 bullets I shoot, all but 7 hit the target area:  My target – the voices of self-criticism, self-loathing, anger, grief, depression that have flooded me since the car break-in and theft (see blog 1/26/19).  Each time I pull the trigger I internally shout: “Goodbye self-criticism, goodbye self-loathing, goodbye anger, goodbye grief, goodbye depression!!!

I leave Mountain Range Indoor Shooting Range with a sense of renewal.  First of all, I did something outside of my liberal-progressive mindset and comfort zone – I crossed a divide and thoroughly enjoyed all those I met on the other side – staff and customers.

As I drive back to Asheville, I experience freedom and empowerment from the heaviness that has been smothering me.  Ironically, I feel a return of inner peace.  I believe, that the physical sensations of shooting released built-up tension in my body and, more importantly, S.'s  kindness, patience and  message of  “we need to get the Zen thing going” all contributed to getting me back to center -- for now.

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 *https://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/hayley_atwell_536396

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Saturday, January 26, 2019

Unexpected Events in Life's Journey

There are wounds that never show on the body that are
deeper and more hurtful than anything that bleeds.
                                                              *Laurell K. Hamilton


The Saturday before Christmas, I returned to my car, put my swim gear in the trunk and then saw the shattered glass from the broken driver’s window.  My eyes glanced over to the passenger seat floor where I had foolishly left my new hand-made leather shoulder bag that was now gone.  The purse contained the necessities of living in the 21st Century:  cell phone, driver’s license, credit cards; extravagant little pleasures -- a beautiful red Visconti fountain pen, an elegant leather checkbook cover; and, most precious, my deceased partner's key ring and her Mona-Lisa mesh make-up bag.

The concrete stuff has mostly been taken care of -- banking stuff, credit cards, driver’s license, etc.  Now there is the time and space for the emotional trauma to settle in – the intensity of which has surprised me.

Through their loving empathy and compassion, I am grateful to those friends who made me feel held and supported.  But in essence the journey has been a solo one -- no partner by my side to soothe and comfort.  And sadly, I, also, have been unable to soothe and comfort myself...  The feelings are multiple: grief, anger,  depression, loneliness, isolation.

It is five weeks since the break-in and theft.  As I write this, I ponder whether to attend the Qigong mini-retreat starting in 30 minutes at a local yoga center to gain some inner peace or a private lesson at an indoor target range in the hopes to release some inner grief and anger -- both at the same reasonable price of $35.  I'm undecided.  Which might you choose?

 (...to be continued 1/27/19)

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*author Mistral’s Kiss
*https://www.goodreads.com/quotes/tag/trauma