Tuesday, May 23, 2017

No Regrets...

As a musician I tell you that if you were to suppress adultery,
fanaticism, crime, evil, the supernatural, there would no
longer be the means for writing one note.
                                                         Georges Bizet*


I didn't set out to have an affair two years after my partner died. S. and I were friends. He knew my partner. After my partner's death, S. helped me with legal matters. He made an unbearable time bearable with his kindness and attentiveness. We spent time together and I found myself becoming attracted to him. And, lo and behold sexual feelings arose – something I thought I would never experience again.

I remember sharing this with him and asking “Don't you have sexual feelings?” His reply, “Yes, but I can control them.” They weren't controlled for long, for shortly thereafter we were involved in a full-fledged extramarital affair. And it was glorious; until it wasn't.

Close friends were happy for me because they saw how I glowed, how I felt loved again and how I was able to love again. The affair lasted 4 years. Do I regret the affair – absolutely not. It was a godsend at a time I was unfathomably lonely.

I'm grateful I had the courage and strength to end it. I sometimes wonder if I'll ever kiss someone passionately again – and that thought brings sadness.

Yet, it was a huge blessing at a particularly dark time of my life. I miss not feeling sexual or sensual and fear never feeling that way again. I suppose if there is one regret I have about lost youth – it is that I was not more sexual in my youth when the hormones were flowing freely.

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